May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So much Jack, so little girl.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
