this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
she pinky promised me she was 18
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
