The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
