We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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