Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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