So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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