I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Everclear isn't food dammit
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
