Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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