I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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