Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
