last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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