How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
