If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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