My nipple is on Facebook.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I need moral support for this bender
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
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