good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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