the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
