so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i dont even know how to be here
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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