I think I won the penis lottery.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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