I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
