Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
