Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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