He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
