Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm bleeding and have questions
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
