am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Are we still banned from the library?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
