I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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