Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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