I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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