Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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