If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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