I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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