how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
