Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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