turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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