i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
There r osticjed everywhere
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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