Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
