based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
