I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
