i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
