i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
