frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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