Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
