today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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