I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
