i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
