too bad you live with your parents still
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I wish there were birth control emojis
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
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