someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
