My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
