so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
