I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
