You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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