i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
